I cleverly left my specs at home this morning.

So, everything was just a blur to me the entire day today. And all the teachers uncannily decided to use the visualiser at a time when I was pretty much blind. But that was fine with me, especially so during SIL, what with all the terrible pictures from WW2 (although I genuinely enjoyed the talk, despite it being a little depressing). I needed to block things out anyway.

Doodling has become my new hobby for 2008. I have a book dedicated just for that purpose, and it's a lifesaver - my tendency to orbit in class is getting a little out of hand :\

Writing out song lyrics from memory is also a good way to keep awake in class if you must know. Today, alone, I've covered Us Against the World and If I Let You Go. I might work on JJ's songs the next time, since recalling Chinese characters requires more concentration, HAHA.

I need to get on with work: a new proposal has just come in, in addition to the June Camp proposal (due 10pm tonight), Chemistry WS on Alkenes and Mathematics WS on Log.

And I need to solve the case of the disappearing Pilot Rexgrip pens =.=

[Edit]

I left my Chemistry WS in class, AGAIN! But good news! I'm done with June Camp proposal and Math :D

Currently struggling with nitty, gritty, insignificantly significant stuff.
Yeah, ironic, I know.

[/Edit]

xxx

Hurrah! Midnight Alley is available in Singapore! Just not in the places I've been scavenging =.=
Plus it only costs $10, give or take a few cents. And THAT, is really good news, 'cos cash has been that teeny weeny little tight for me.

I'm sooooo going to buy it. Definitely getting Glass Houses and Dead Girls' Dance while at it too :D

This is the kind of excitement that I desperately need to keep me going :D To have something to look forward to while I slog my way out of all the work I'm drowning in - which hasn't quite lessened despite keeping myself locked up at home :(

I guess I'm now confident enough to say that I actually do prefer Morganville to Twilight. No haters, please. You know I still love the latter. Just not as much :D

Now I just need someone to accompany me to Takaaaaaaa! Anyone?

xxx

I was to get it done by 8am, when I only got to know about it at almost 11pm. I guess it is my fault that I didn't religiously read every line in the message. It is all part of the job, I should have known.

But, what really baffles me here is, what's the point in rushing? Why the need to get things done asap at the expense of the quality?

Yes, the quality of the ideas submitted are bound to be jeopardised, if you could see the deranged states people were in trying to come up with them.

Maybe to some people, I'm just whiney and simply too weak to take a few nights without sufficient sleep. Or that I'm not noble enough to give back whatever had been given to me.

But hey, let's be fair, I've done my part so far and I will continue to do so.

I'm just not exactly pleased with the way we're made to work.

Busy to the extent that it's getting ridiculous.

Oh Allyssa, just shut up about the complaints and get to work.

xxx

Productivity is at an all-time low.

And it has left me in a horribly less-than-perfect mood, urgh.

First, it is the realisation that my Chemistry worksheets are nicely tucked under my desk in school. Then the startling fact that I couldn't find my Geography assignment. After which is the guilt of having not replaced my lost Math textbook. And finally, the revelation that HE DID NOT RECEIVE MY ESSAY!

Tragedy after tragedy - a heart can only take so much, you know. So, dread is consuming me, and I'm letting it. It's hard to get started on my own. I NEED MOTIVATION.

Loads of it, 'cos the prospect of having to spin out a 4-page essay out of nothingness is just... devastating.

Let alone having to do more than that =.=


BIG, BIG THANK YOU TO CCA, MATT, CHOONY AND KAEYUAN.

It's good to have friends like you guys! :D


You know what, I just realised that I can strangle myself with my own hair o.O
I NEED A HAIRCUT LA!

xxx

The dark times are overrrrrrr.

I owe Cheng Aik and Yen Jin, BIG TIME :D


And Kendra too, even if she didn't exactly know what was happening, haha.

There are just no answers to everything. The things I'm doing? Well, they are just what I have to do, whether or not I like to. And just because I deem the things that I'm doing to be trivial, it doesn't mean that I can just give up on them.




I just have to learn to like what I'm doing. Nothing else is going to make things any better.

Wallowing in self-pity especially.

xxx

Seems like all the pent-up frustraion and fatigue was too much to bear.

The sudden depression took me by surprise. I remember saying, just this year, that I liked the feeling of being busy, that being occupied made me feel as if I'm actually, really, living.

I still think that way, I guess. But when things get so hectic to the extent that every living minute I have is spent worrying over matters in my hands, it all just gets too.. overwhelming.

For the past 2 days, I didn't even have time to eat and sleep.

It gets worse when I'm busy but find myself not achieving anything. That is much too agonising.

What am I busy for?

The thirst for a sense of satistfaction? The need for a reassurance that I'm significant? WHAT?

Perhaps I'm thinking too much (as I always do), and blowing things out of proportion. But the fact remains that I'm losing my drive.

All a little too soon, even if I do say so myself.

I guess it all boils down to where my passion lies. And whether or not I'm enjoying what I'm doing.

Which I'm sure I have been, until today. It's like suddenly losing control over myself, no longer being able to keep my emotions in check, and finding myself utterly confused.

It's as if living took on a whole new meaning for me overnight. When I question myself what I'm doing and why, I can't seem to provide a fair-enough answer.

I need to sort this out soon. I don't like this feeling, this feeling of not knowing what I'm doing, and not liking what I'm doing.

And all the frustration that I'm experiencing... Am I missing out on something?

Maybe, just maybe, watching Flags of our Fathers has made me feel that whatever it is I'm doing is insignificant. Like I'm not making any difference despite slogging hard for all that I'm tasked with.

Or, simply because the harsh cruelty of mankind has just left me bewildered and hurt, and the emotions I'm experiencing are but a part of what I have to go through as I struggle to accept what IS in life.


I need time to breathe.

xxx

SAW REMUS TODAY! @ HCI HSC Investiture :D

Would have seen Cheng Aik as well if he came to say hi, but clearly that meanpok decided not to.

Dorothy was there too!

Doubt I have mentioned this before, but it's genuinely nice and heart-warming meeting ex-classmates, especially when it triggers off all the wonderful and sweet memories in primary school :D

But clearly not so much when they (actually, it's stupid Remus) start talking about scary stories of their school. Such as Japanese killing babies in the room behind the hall of their school or how 3 seniors went into the clock tower and never returned.

My poor, poor heart.

It's good I was with the rest of the EXCO, so ha, I felt safe.

But that probably also meant we were immensely eye-catching in yellow, but hey, too bad, we're unique :D

It definitely feels good going for investitures in such a big group. Helps with the nerves a lot :D

On a totally un-related note, I like chatting with Cheng Aik on MSN :D Sometimes it's pure crap, at others, it's pretty enlightening :D


CCA: I think maybe start by finding out what excites you most, and allows you to have undying energy in that particular area...
Me: Sleep, HAHA.
CCA: -.-
Actually to think about it, true. LOL
Me:
SEE? XD


I need sleep now. And clearly this is one of those crap-filled conversations we have. Lotsa fun, still :D

xxx

I survived! Survived this horribly long and taxing day.

What felt like one anyway - a psychological effect of my awfully sleep-deprived state, no doubt.
Anyhow, it was still a difficult day to endure.

Especially when a lack of rest normally results in a ridiculously high tendency for me plunge into serious moodswings.

Hope I didn't offend anyone (eh, particularly the two people sitting beside me). I couldn't help it, really.

Now that it's over, I guess I don't resent LH and Hern as much for keeping me awake more than half the night. But I guess it is also my fault that I couldn't bring myself to leave LH in a state of distress and panic, and go to sleep myself. HAHA.

The proposal amounted to a total of 105 pages - staggering, eh? Hern doesn't think so! - and printing it was hell. LH's printer didn't exactly respond well (i.e. jams) when she feeds it with too many pieces of paper at once, so we had to keep refilling paper while it prints. Then, we realised that, no matter how many (or few, in this case) papers we put in, the printer still jams practically very 5 minutes.

Trying to print the proposal alone robbed us of 45 minutes of sleep!

And the printer was SMOKING.

Scary.

I don't even want to think about the number of papers we wasted just by (not) jamming the printer. What a sin, gees.

Gak, less than 3 hours of sleep a day really doesn't make it for me.

Funny how I managed to stay up the entire night during CNY last year to watch the entire Lord of the Rings movie.

Unless it makes a difference what you do when you're supposed to be sleeping.

Yeah, I suppose so. It applies to me, for sure :D

xxx

There are a couple of things bugging me now.

One of which is the fact that my appetite has been going all weird lately.

I never used to be able to eat anything in the morning - I'll just get queasy and end up throwing up. Now, my standard breakfast includes a burger (ham and egg) with a packet of Milo from the snack stall in school.

Sometimes I'll still feel hungry after that :\

Since Thursday, however, I hardly had anything to fill my stomach.

Take for example,

Yesterday: a slice of bread and 1 banana
Today: 1 cheekueh and a few mouthfuls of porridge

And I'm feeling as full as I can possibly be.

I shall see if my appetite comes back to me in school tomorrow.


The other bugger (this, I think requires most attention) will be how I'm constantly think about gorgeous vampires.

That's totally, not normal. At all.

First of all, vampires don't exist. Well, I hope not. Secondly, if they did exist, they are probably evil and dangerous, not kind and lovely like Michael Glass and Edward Cullen. Let alone handsome and totally irresistable.

I swear this obsession is going out of hand.

But what to do: I'm in love with Michael and Edward :D


Then there's this realisation that hey, people are moving on. Not a bad thing for sure, but then why does it make me feel so... inadequate?

I'm probably thinking too much into things. I should be happy for them, since clearly, doing otherwise would just cause more suffering. But couldn't they have at least given some form of... advanced warning?

I'm not sad about this, neh. I know better than to be because it's best for everyone. Or maybe I just think too highly of myself.

Time passes, people move on, it's what's right.

And so I have, too. Deleted it, and I realised, it doesn't hurt.

I guess I'm moving on too.

xxx

When I go overly obsessed over something, I normally find it hard to do anything else but indulge in whatever it is that has interested me at the mo'. And sometimes, it kind of scares me :\

Before Thursday, I was pretty sure that I'd grab any free time I have – which isn't a lot – to get some shut-eye to make up for all the sleep that I've lost.

On Thursday, however, when I've finally gotten my hands on Twilight, I practically camped in the classroom until 6pm just because I couldn't wait till I get home to start reading it. I skipped dinner that night :\

Naturally, I turned up in school zombie-fied the next day.

When I finally got the chance to start reading New Moon yesterday, I didn't want to stop, staying up till 1am to finish it (despite being extremely gonked out) and then waking up at 8am that very same morning to start on Eclipse.

I just finished it. And that's like, 3 books in 21 hours.

I must admit, that's quite an accomplishment. It just goes to prove how extraordinarily wonderful the Twilight series is :)

I mean: Romance, excitement & sadness all rolled into one - what more could you ask for?

And each book was almost as thick as any of the Harry Potter books!

Speaking of which, I'm actually surprised at my sudden diverted obsession to another book series from HP. And it was with such... ease. I feel like I'm being disloyal or something :\ Still, I think it's a good thing that I've something to go crazy now that there would be no more sequels to my most beloved story. At least I won't feel so hollow this way :(

Any ol' how, I needa stop being so... obsessed. I'm starting to think it's getting pretty unhealthy.

Especially since, looking back, I realised that I have only eaten a slice of bread and one banana with Milo for the past 24 hours. I'm amazed at how I'm not writhing in hunger yet.

Maybe I will, later.

Right now, I'm just so bothered by Jacob hurting that it feels I'll never feel right again... :(

xxx

I'm back in an attempt to revive my blog! I didn't actually realise that I've abandoned it for months. Guess I've been busy, haha.

So hmm, it's already been 16 days into the new year.

School's been, weird. Meaning, it still hasn't really quite sunk in that I'm now a Secondary 4 student. Or maybe I have, but I just don't get the true meaning behind it. It's almost the same as studying last year, only with an increased workload from Council now that I'm in the EXCO.

I've been doing fairly well as HRC head, or at least I hope so. Nothing bad has cropped up so far, and I'm really glad. I haven't been exactly confident that I will live up to the job, especially after Elaine had raised the standards so incredibly high last year. I'm doing my best :)

CCA is getting more and more enjoyable as each session passes. It feels great and I no longer feel out of place like I had last year. I actually find myself looking forward to CCA this year. And I think it's a really good start for me.

The thought of graduating this year is oddly discomforting for some reasons. Like, I have no idea what to expect next, and it's daunting me. The fact that I'm turning 16 this year shocked me a little too. Not that I resented getting older, but it just felt like it was all coming too soon, and I don't feel prepared.

I still have no idea what kind of occupation I'd like to take up. I feel so... lost.

xxx