Seems like all the pent-up frustraion and fatigue was too much to bear.

The sudden depression took me by surprise. I remember saying, just this year, that I liked the feeling of being busy, that being occupied made me feel as if I'm actually, really, living.

I still think that way, I guess. But when things get so hectic to the extent that every living minute I have is spent worrying over matters in my hands, it all just gets too.. overwhelming.

For the past 2 days, I didn't even have time to eat and sleep.

It gets worse when I'm busy but find myself not achieving anything. That is much too agonising.

What am I busy for?

The thirst for a sense of satistfaction? The need for a reassurance that I'm significant? WHAT?

Perhaps I'm thinking too much (as I always do), and blowing things out of proportion. But the fact remains that I'm losing my drive.

All a little too soon, even if I do say so myself.

I guess it all boils down to where my passion lies. And whether or not I'm enjoying what I'm doing.

Which I'm sure I have been, until today. It's like suddenly losing control over myself, no longer being able to keep my emotions in check, and finding myself utterly confused.

It's as if living took on a whole new meaning for me overnight. When I question myself what I'm doing and why, I can't seem to provide a fair-enough answer.

I need to sort this out soon. I don't like this feeling, this feeling of not knowing what I'm doing, and not liking what I'm doing.

And all the frustration that I'm experiencing... Am I missing out on something?

Maybe, just maybe, watching Flags of our Fathers has made me feel that whatever it is I'm doing is insignificant. Like I'm not making any difference despite slogging hard for all that I'm tasked with.

Or, simply because the harsh cruelty of mankind has just left me bewildered and hurt, and the emotions I'm experiencing are but a part of what I have to go through as I struggle to accept what IS in life.


I need time to breathe.

xxx